Analyze, Maximize

I need to get something out today.

I:

Feel something huge around the corner

Feel better than I ever have

Feel like I can do anything

Feel more confident than ever

Feel capable to meet any task

Feel like I have found my path

have a healthy hunger for the best

can’t get enough and need more

don’t want to sit still (read be stagnent)

can do absolutely anything to a high degree

can analyze and make healthy decisions

will bend over backwards to make something the best it can be

won’t give up no matter what

need to be productive

search for my flawed opinions and judgements in order to better something

am willing to be wrong for the greater good

desire a longer 5,000 foot perspective

love people more than I ever have

can see my flaws more quickly than ever

need my mentors and their guidance to keep my current pace

feel connected to my work

can feel my hands and their output

God has given me something I missed out on for a long time. That is my drive.

I have always been a very motivated person but that motivation was hindered for a very long time by a couple of deep seated flaws that made me very ineffective. Those flaws were perfectionism as an unhealthy addiction to failure and the fear that comes from knowing somewhere inside of me that screamed failure is a destination I couldn’t avoid.

Last year I gained some big time healing from those things. A side affect of that was losing a lot of my drive to succeed for a while. I laid on the couch a bunch at the end of last year. I packed on a few pounds and smoked quite a few more cigarettes. I have never had a healthy motivation. A motivation from God and a certainty in His plan for me. This feels like the best drug you could have. I can’t sit still. I am analyzing and maximizing at a much more efficient pace. I am building relationships through it. Thats is something I didn’t even know could exist. I used to micro manage. I used to squeeze efficiency out of people like a juicer on high. My meager results where at the expense of my relationships, but now I am more in love with the people in my life and my staff is everything to me and their personal growth both through their own hard work and their adherence to healthy management that I know God ordains has set a new standard for the efficient machine of our company. I can look people in the eye, love them and see their potential rather than my immediate need. Its like speed. Everything whizzes by and I feel confident. I feel like I am in a constant state of prayer right now that leads my decisions and the quickness of growth is blowing my hair back like a ride in a convertible. God is so good and has restored my confidence and drive in just a way that I just knew would never return. Right now, truly my cup is running over. Its huge and magnified and I am loving it.

As always when you analyze and maximize you find insecurity. Will this end? Is this a mountain top experience? How hard am I going to fall when I inevitably fall over a decision that will disconnect me from a relationship. Will I plateau in such a way that causes a need for new and more innovative thinking for my position? Right now, those concerns are starting to grow and decrease my productivity. Even typing this now I have begun to worry about people perceiving this confidence as arrogance. Im reworking this to look good to people. Im analyzing it to death and seeing a year down the road of negative growth due to misrepresenting my zeal for pride. Its all so complicated. I need everyone to pray for my open communication with God to continue guiding my decisions. Arrogance, money, pride, selfishness, greed, gluttony are the things that could possibly wait on the other side of success. How do you continue to be a good man with success? The only Jacob that has ever truly known Gods character is a very poor desperate Jacob. How does a successful, efficient, smiling, aggressive Jacob maintain a great relationship with Jesus with out hurt and desperation? Will there always be another desperate place to bring me back to Him? I can tell you right now without a shadow of a doubt I am scared to death of money. Im scared of my flesh and its ability to quiet Gods voice in my head. If I were to be forced to make a decision between my exact situation now as an indefinite state of being vs. a life filled with money and efficient productivity, I’d choose now. I can feel God so clearly. I can literally see my path and his planned execution of hurdles. I am unclouded and inspired and it all hangs on a thread that my flesh will learn very quickly to pull, unraveling the fabric of my productivity and relationsips.

God you took me from poor and desperate to beautiful and complete. You have more for me and Im so scared of losing the security I feel in you to money and success. Continue to lead me in building better and better relationships. Let me analyze and maximize with the desired output of your will being done efficiently. Lead me to simplify and streamline my communication with you. Teach me how to speak to you more simply and elegantly. Fit into me more and more of your traits. Open the minds and hearts of the people looking at me and let them never, ever see me or think of my name. Let them see and think of yours. Crush me and my flesh and keep me from pride and arrogance. I love you. Please keep me on the path.

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