I think everyone that knows me knows that I hate weddings.
There are two sides to me.
When I am with my close friends I love to talk, to give my opinions, to brag about what I have accomplished and to ask for help…
When I am not with my close friends I want to be in a hole at the bottom of a hill where I can still hear whats going on but no one knows I am there. I want to listen, take it in, make assessments of how I will be accepted and make a plan to escape so I can watch some TV.
I hate the spot light. That isn’t always exactly true but when eyes turned to me and I am not ready, I can’t respond. I just stand there running the numbers in my head as fast as I can but its not fast enough.
Weddings scare me though. I feel like any day dedicated to a person or a couple breeds stress and that stress, if not dealt with properly, turns into hurt relationships. I hate hurt relationships.
If there is one thing I know about Gods plan for me it is that I am to build the legacy of myself and my future family on relationships. Its such a strong pull on my life to love people that my socialization and demeanor was manipulated at a very young age by “the enemy” to discourage me from being a loving person. I spent the majority of my life running from people and with my newly found knowledge of my role in the Kingdom I have to find some way not to run away.
God has given me a vision for my name after me. Ive never been proud of my family name… Ive never really thought about it but I know that my name will mean God’s love shown through us. Im going to start praying for my children that I haven’t had yet. I can’t wait to dedicate them to the Lord. Most of all I am going to start acting the way I’ll teach them to act. Its going to take God. When those eyes hit me Ill have to stand there and thats hard for me. God has me in a place where I have to have Him to fulfill the role I am called to and that means he wants me there.
All this thinking from a wedding… I know need to learn to not think so much.
Jacob.
