the Answer is that I am already ok forever. Taken care of that is. All the happiness I could beg for is on the other side of a door that my flesh keeps convincing me that is a chasm to the pits of dismay. Im getting better at reaching for the handle though.
I sat outside today and had coffee. Believe it or not I want that and can’t have it. Phone, internet, relationship problems, work, invoices, calcified vacuum breakers all make it plain difficult to grab on to a moment. Moments are life currency in my head. A moment with God where it works and all that darkness turns to light. I would do anything for one of those a day. Its like heroine or something. Only problem is after that I find something else to bring me down, but right now I am so happy. In spite of everything I do what I love. Im with a girl I love and she things Im awesome too. I work for people that want to give me as much as I can handle and I can constantly handle more. I drink damn good coffee. I live with my best friends and Sigur Ros and Hillsong have released enough material to keep me from listening to the garbage on the radio.
You see when you take a second. Look at yourself from the top of your head instead of from within it… You can really see God. I can see the place he has put me in and I can see the path that I walked. I look at the pitfalls mainly but if I look at the triumphs, I see greatness. I was noone and nothing and now I get to have the people that are in my life. Elizabeth, David, Mary, Ike, Cayting, Dozier, Katelyn, Elliot, Shane, Lauren, Will, Jennifer, Buren, Barbara, Knox, Sam, Dusty, Chris, Hunt, Amanda, Caleb, Casey, Josh, Mike and everyone else are my reward when I thought I wanted money. My relationships are my currency. Hopefully when I die people dont talk about coffee. Would that be very worth while?
When I die I want people to talk about other people because thats how I want to live my life. I want to be transparent enough to see God through me via my relationships. If that isn’t the case then Ive just screwed everything up. I don’t want to screw everything up.
