I hate to say it but Ive gotten lost.
Im a real complainer and I blame things.
It was so much easier to feel God when I had to have Him to survive. Now you know that I know that I need Him to survive. Ive not gotten that lost. That would be a different post entirely. What I mean is I don’t hurt nearly as often or nearly as bad as I used to. I havent hit the brink of disaster in a long time. Sadly that has made me arrogant.
It has made me arrogant.
Its really hard to say that out loud (or typing it quietly while in the library), but I am arrogant. I believe in my ability to see my situation and figure it out. Act correctly in the midst of a trial, and be the better person… only problem is that ive take God out of my trials and ive inserted rhetoric, rules and religion. I look good most of the time but God has slowly become a fall back to my own intellect and lets face it, thats arrogant.
I don’t want to give up my drivers seat. Its comfortable.
All the while I trusted that God would just shove me back down to the bottom and I would hurt again and eventually give control back to Him.
Thats actually a little scarey if you think about it.
Ive done this same thing before with my Father (earthly). When he finally stopped reacting to me, punishing me, making me feel horrible I was happy for a while and then slowly started pushing the limits to try to get a reaction. I was acting out to get back to the place I had grown up. I was comfortable in my fear because my coping mechanisms where so good. My coping mechanisms didn’t work unless I was hurting and I wasn’t hurting, thus in an unknown, non-cognitive part of my brain I tried to hurt again. Ive been doing this same thing to God.
As awful as it sounds, I want to hurt again. (read this as my flesh wants to hurt again). If I can go back to the bottom I get to feel God move in me again. Man, writing it all down makes it look so pitiful and sickly. Its desperate. Luckily God has some other plan that involves me growing from this point into another, a straight line. He doesn’t want a cycle. He wants me to be weak so he can be strong but He doesn’t want me to go to the bottom again and a part of me loves that. (read the good part). Does that mean I’ll never be at the bottom again. I don’t know… it won’t be the bottom I think it is. It will be some other bottom that will hurt as much as the old one and I will feel God move in me but I think the goal is to feel God moving in me now because He is. I just have to get my idea of what his movement is out of the way so I can see it. Its much more subtle and I am not nearly as scared. I don’t feel like I need it as much and I have been relying on my own righteousness instead of his. Those are the flaws… now the solution. I am going to go look for the solution.
Jacob
